Blake J’s Birth Story

I think when you become a mother, there's like a rite of passage to suddenly want to share your labor horror stories with unsuspecting strangers…

We moms stand around talking details about things like mucus plugs and other seriously gross and horrific experiences our bodies have gone through and call it bonding. Welcome to Motherhood.

When I found out I was pregnant with Blake, it was like being a new mom all over again. I had to actually peak in my dusty "What to Expect" books for a few questionable symptoms. This is what getting old does to you… or what motherhood does. It causes you to forget everything.

Its kinda like I'm starting all over again. New biology, new age bracket, new tax status, new city, new OB, new hospital… new me? One can only hope on that last one. With that being said, let's bond fellow Moms. For the rest of ya'all… welcome to unsolicited details about my personal space.

The circumstances surrounding my pregnancy were less than ideal and I'm just gonna go ahead and chalk that whole experience up to the universe rewarding me for putting up with that shit with what has become my favorite pregnancy. My first two were somewhat awful and I had come to dread pregnancy. Not only do I always somehow manage to get a little pregnancy depression, my first two I was either terribly sick or dog tired until at least 6 months in and instead of glowing I had acne. Wutdafuq

This time around I actually felt like a real human. Still no glowing which was bullshit and still some slight depression but compared to the first two it was… dare I say, almost enjoyable?

However, my impatience hadn't changed and by week 35 I was still done with being pregnant. I was dreaming of the day I would meet this sweet boy and sleep on my stomach… I somehow had blocked out the memory of the postpartum struggle that is breastfeeding boobs. Oh and by dreaming I mean having delusions because sleep was no longer happening.

By week 36 I had full blown insomnia and had taken to the bath tub at night to attempt any shut eye. Seriously, I was taking 3 baths a night because I had nothing better to do than fill the tub and drain the water over and over again. When week 37 hit, I think the crazy in my eyes was showing because my doctor actually spoke of inducing if I came back for my week 38 appointment. I was suddenly in love. With my OB. With my awkward, married OB. INDUCE ME. GIVE ME ALL THE DRUGS. Let's do this!

For record sake, labor #1 was roughly 4 hours from the time my water broke spontaneously as the nurses were just about to send me home because I wasn't in active labor and not progressing. I also was forced to go au natural much to my disappointment and demands of drugs because Tristan decided it was go time before they even had me checked in, so when I felt some pressure and the nurses slowly sauntered over to check me they were in shock to see his head between my legs. LOL. In the end I was pleased to have experienced a drug free labor and deliver a perfect and healthy baby without harming my husband (now ex).

Labor #2 was just about as stressful and chaotic and rewarding as it has been raising this strong willed child. He decided he was coming RIGHT NOW, ready or not, after a week of playing games with me. I had marched my happy fat ass to the hospital to declare that my water had broke only to be sent home and told that I peed myself, so needless to say when my water actually broke at home as I was about to go to bed, I was a little inconvenienced and put off. I showered and wanted to take my sweet time when all of a sudden the pressure was on, literally, and in a whirlwind of moments I can't remember because I'm pretty sure I blacked it all out, 45 minutes after arriving at the hospital, 15 minutes after finally receiving the epidural that I turned out to be allergic to, the cuddliest, sweetest baby ever was placed on my chest and I had already forgiven him for his antics earlier that week. Thing have pretty much played out the same between us since.

So needless to say, I was prepared to camp at the hospital at the first sign of contractions for fear I'd end up delivering on my living room floor. Seriously I was very stressed about this because I was banking on getting to hang out in the hospital and eat pudding cups and have nurses take care of me.

However, this was not the case. I was not having contractions, or really anything. My due date was getting closer and my sleep deprivation was becoming more detrimental to my older survival. Literally nothing was happening to indicate that he was coming soon. I was pissed. I did everything everyone told me to get him out (including jumping off the toilet ;P) and the only thing that was happening was that I was annoyed and peeing myself. Finally after one false alarm of being sent home, I had mild but regular enough contractions where I thought maybe I'll have a normal labor this time around. Maybe different biology would produce not only a completely different pregnancy but a different labor as well.

The good thing is that we'll never know because after a few hours of painful contractions I called my mom over to watch the kids and I went in only to find out they were doing nothing and I wasn't progressing. I was about ready to check myself into the psych floor. It was then that my OB came to the rescue with the world's greatest offer and I happily obliged. He said 'why don't I just come break your water and we'll have a baby tonight?' I put my labor socks on, got my drugs and in came a stranger with a giant hook. I've never been so excited at the thought of a woman getting ready to stick a hook inside of me. Weird, awkward. But after 10 months of inhabiting another species who was getting a bit rude with the middle of the night antics your dignity really goes out the window.

Everything from there was basically a dream, and I know as I'm writing this women everywhere are hating me, so I apologize. I'm sure I've suffered in other areas moreso than other women, but labor and delivery is not one of them.

My sweet baby was born one hour later. 7.11lbs of perfection.

I will never forget the sweet nurse who stayed by my side the whole time, who chatted with me about whatever random thing popped in my head, who held my shoulders still while I got the epidural, and never made me feel alone. I was nervous about delivering without any friends or family but in the end, it turned out perfect.

I was happy to have those first few moments with Blake all to myself. Having done this a few times and knowing how precious those first few moments are I was able to really appreciate it this time around. I didn't have to share him with anyone and nobody rushed to take him from me until my curiosity kicked in and I was ready to let him get weighed and measured.

A couple pudding cups and a plate full of eggs and bacon later (I wanted to eat in peace for the first time in 7 years) and we were joined by the chaos that is now my everyday. I experienced what can only be described as a heart so full it could have burst, all while simultaneously sprouting my first gray hairs.

Life with you is so sweet.
We love you B ❤️